Dreams really do come true! A part of me always knew that this was true but after so many years of heartache it became harder to believe. But I think no longer believing that dreams can come true is part of the journey. Life gets hard and hurtful at times and it feels like it closes my heart. As a girl who was born with a heart too big for her body, a closed heart only aches, but an open heart is so vulnerable. I've set out to open my heart again...at least a little? I mean why not? I think life is only as good as we can make of it. Yeah, sometimes it gets REAL hard to make anything positive of it tho. lol But so far I have a lot of things to smile about! If I wrote a list I think my smiles would outweigh my frowns.

My garden is in full swing! I had a taste of garden fresh squash. The cucumbers are climbing along. Strawberries are berrie-ing harder than ever before! But that's not the only berry this year. I have my blueberry bush. Last year it was a tiny twig but now it's a mighty bush! The birds love munching away and I don't mind too much. I dont care for blueberries much myself. Rasberries are new to the family. They are still young but growing stronger and stronger! hmmm...what else... OH! I have my grape vine!! I'm so excited about it. Garden fresh jams and jellies? heck yeah! I also have my fated lemon tree. As a true lemon lover it was only a matter of time before I finally had a lemon tree of my own. I'm eager for the moment when I simply step outside and gather fresh lemons for lemonade. A dream come true.

Plant life is not the only thing growing in the backyard. With my new bird bath and bird feed, I have seen a BOOM in wild life! It has been amazing feeding different birds and squirrels. They're adorable. I usually watch them eat and drink, enjoying the offerings, with my binoculars.

I also knew that this year would be full of change for me. I knew that this year would be my creative rebirth! So far I have taken an interest in: drawing, pixel art, coding, sewing, reading, writing, and meditation. I love being able to fully chase my curiosity. I welcome curiosity and all the wonderful journeys it can take me on.

So heres to hoping and keeping hearts open!

Well the news is true. I just told my mom and she was so happy. She was screaming on the phone so excited about the news while I was just sorta deadpan on the other side. My oldest sister was there too and she was of course happy as well. My mom swears that she just had a gut feeling that someone was preggo. lol All this time I actually thought it was my little sister. I swear. Listen, my mom had convinced okay! All along it was me.

I've told everyone at this point. Most reactions were extremely positive. More positive than us, the parents. When I told my husband there was no....huge excitement. He is the one who wanted the child after all. You see when we first started dating he was "No kids for life~" then he went through his 30s midlife crisis and suddenly its "my legacy?! I need children now!" ....so yeah. He just sorta said "okay. cool, alright." Then went to the backyard to listen to his podcasts and do yard work. Yay.

Am I happy? Well the answer is complicated. I served my purposed. Or at least the purposed that was assigned to me. My husband literally said I was born to birth. "women do it all the time and live" "you were born for this" "you'll be fine." "If I were a woman I would love to be pregnant"... how wonderful.I wasn't born to be the artist I had dreamt so long I would be. I wasn't born to travel like I always thought I would. I wasn't born to be achieve much beyond breeding I guess, anyway.

I do have my dogs. I love them very much. I have my garden. I like that. .... I made this site. So there's that.

Now that I'm pregnant I find myself thinking more and more about my life. Or how my life is no longer mine and mine alone. Just when it started to feel as if I could take control of my life it slips through my fingers! I'd laugh if I weren't so depressed lol. It might sound crazy but it feels like all of my wants and dreams, my current life, must die in order for my new life as a mother to live.

That might sound harsh or overdramatic but my wants and dreams never included a baby. In fact, they lean very heavily on being child free in this world.

I've always to travel! I want to take trips without ...child shaped luggage attached lol. A lot of people may say 'well travel with your kids' but they fail to see that travel alone/with other adults is far different from traveling with kids. Two different experiences. In one, the only person I need to please and prepare is me. I do what I want. See what I want. Eat what I want and leave when I want. But with a kids it's the opposite. I need to be in kid friendly eras and see what they want to see. Do what they want to do. Eat where they want to eat or at least where there is a kids menu lol and leave when they can't take being out anymore.

Plus financially it was more 'do-able' to travel with just me and husband. From what I'm told we can 'hardly' afford us. Now throw a kid in the mix and I may never see any place outside of home, granny's, and the in-law's again.

I also really wanted to explore fashion and my self expression. Growing up I really didn't feel comfortable, confident, or safe enough to express my 'girlhood' or aesthetic. I just dressed however my mother wanted. My style was controlled completely by her approval and disapproval, and of course, the judgement of others. As a young girl/woman the judgement and mommy's approval was everything. But now as an adult who has done a lot of work to get to where I am mentally, I want to show myself however I please!! I worked hard on my skin. I keep tabs on my weight and body. I know what hair styles I like and I want more!

But now that I know that my body will be changing in ways I can't control....I don't want to show any of that off. Mom-bod is fine and dandy but it's not my bod. My mom and sister have crazy stretch marks and discoloration. They both are actively seeking medical interventions to change their bodies because THEY don't like what motherhood has done to them. So I imagine I'll be the same. Goodbye sexy dresses and heels, hello a solid color Tshirt and leggings....yay.

As far as my garden goes it can only go one of two ways. 1) I stop tending to it and everything takes it's natural course. 2) I continue to tend to it and everything takes it natural course. The path ultimately depends on the amount of energy I will have. C'mon. They are plants after all. I do have SOME faith in my garden to tap into deeper water and grow stronger. Soak up the sun and do what they do.

All in all it feel like my life, as I wanted it, dies on the vine. All the potential I ever thought I had is gone. Time to dream up some new dreams. ...None of my dreams ever really came true anyway. I mean I never travel to any of the places I wanted to go lol I hardly get dressed up or buy what I REALLY want. I look in the mirror and rarely ever feel 'pretty'. So does it even matter if this 'self' dies? She never really lived anyway.

The morning sickness has kicked in and is kicking my butt! I feel on the edge of vomiting all day long. I've been watching videos and reading about pregnancy symptoms and tips and what not, but goodness... The nausea is just very persistent. Last night I actually woke up at 3 am (seems to be my new normal) to go to the bathroom. I thought uhg I have to pee again?! BUT NO! I wish that night was just a quick potty and back to sleep.

NOPE. I ended up getting attacked out of both ends. ........... yeah. It was so intense I laid on the floor and just cried under the sink lol Terrible! After a few minutes I crawled out and went back to bed. Just to have that episode repeat when I got up a few hours later at....uhm...5am? My husband was waking up for work. I hardly slept at all really. My stomach was so wrecked by these hormones that I really couldn't find peace.

I used to look forward to next year. I would even tell my little sister that I'm so excited for next year because every year I can look back at what I did and do a little more! Especially garden-wise. I love going bigger and bigger. Now that I'm preggo and "due" at the beginning of next year I can say without a doubt that I'm not looking forward to it. Way to start the new year lol legs spread all- bloody- pushing out a baby, yay.

I've been contacting a lot (by a lot I mean the only TWO) Midwives in our state and so far I suppose a lot of people are turning to midwives these days. They haven't contacted me back yet. Of course, I'm in no rush. I'll be seen when I get seen. For now I just do what I can however I can. I drink my water. Nibble on my crackers. Take my prenatal gummies and try not to die. I would love to have a midwife for this pregnancy so that I can have a home birth.

Here my plan: Find a midwife. Do the prep work and shizz. Homebirth for comfort. BAM done. Sounds far too easy lol

The stretching cramps of my uterus are constant but that makes it easier to ignore lol Besides that I'm gaining a hold on things. My crackers and water bottles help with the nausea.

The constant depression that I experience is...well constant. But I'm trying my best to just go day to day. I've fully accepted that I don't have the energy or mental capacity to think about my ENTIRE pregnancy let alone my WHOLE life. I have just enough mental juice to get through a SINGULAR day lol and that's all I really want to do.

Life is life-ing. I've lost a lot of motivation for ....almost everything and I lack the interest most times to even push through. I mostly sleep. I've lost the intense passion for my website lol but here I am! I've lost interest in art, in movies, in hulu/youtube, my husband. I really just stare at the wall and just sleep. Sad but true. Still I'm GOING to do my diary entries. I have thoughts and they must come out!

2/3 midwife services contacted me back! They both said they are full....yeah. So I'm still fingers-crossed for the final midwife. Lets hope I suppose.